


A Little Black Book

by RuffledCrow



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Nico
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 06:37:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19245817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RuffledCrow/pseuds/RuffledCrow
Summary: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SUICIDE NOTES, EATING DISORDERS.THIS WORK HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED: I might do a rewrite, thoughThe question itself is simple; it beckons a clear explanation. But what hangs behind it? That, that’s so much more complicated, and, halfway, everyone in the room is dreading the answer.





	1. A Note, to Nobody

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SUICIDE NOTES, EATING DISORDERS.

Long, back curls frame a sheet-white face, and even in sleep, it looks like the boy is in pain.

 

The room is silent–he’s not dead, no, but he’s teetering on the precipice of something that can’t be reversed.

 

The small black book sits open on the side-table. It’s flipped open to a drawing–an incredibly detailed, beautiful one. Anyone who had eyes would say it looked like Percy, but more distant,  _ cold,  _ looking elsewhere. 

 

Percy refuses to acknowledge it.

 

-

 

“He’s stable,” is the only consolation that Will can offer everyone in the room. Hazel is sobbing into Frank’s shirt, and everyone else in the room looks on, pale and shaky. 

 

Jason has his head in his hand, and occasionally, he trembles, tears slipping down his hands. Piper rubs his back, softly cooing comforting words in charmspeak. 

 

Percy stares off into the distance, blinking furiously. 

 

-

 

When he wakes up, Hazel is the first one to go in. Will appears at the door about an hour later, saying that the rest of them can come in, but, “don’t stress him out,”. 

Will then steps out, presumably to talk to Chiron.

 

-

 

“Nico!” 

 

The boy looks the same as he did three days ago, but his glassy, brown-gold eyes open. He looks over at all of them, and he drops his eyes down to his lap. Hazel sits beside him, clasping one of his pale hands between her warm ones. She looks back at them desperately, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes. 

 

Jason is the first to move, striding over to the immaculate bed, quickly hugging Nico. The boy winces, and Hazel scoots back in her chair. Nico keeps his hands,  _ his bandaged wrists,  _ at his side. Jason eventually steps back, and the room is awkwardly quiet until Jason speaks up.

 

“Why?”

 

The question  _ itself  _ is simple; it beckons a clear explanation. But what hangs behind it? That, that’s so much more complicated, and,  _ halfway,  _ everyone in the room is dreading the answer.

 

Nico looks back over at the rest of them, blinking slowly. He eventually turns back, looking out the window, and, “ _ it doesn’t matter,”. _

 

Percy’s eyebrows raise, and Annabeth’s mimic. Jason clenches his fists.

 

“You try to commit  _ suicide,  _ and all we get is, “ _ it doesn’t matter”? _ What the  _ hell _ , Nico?!”

 

-

 

(A small picture of a young girl, wearing a green hat. The picture seems old, worn around the edges. A small note is on the back:  _ Ti amo, mia dolce bambina!) _

 

_ - _

 

“Nico, we need to discuss this,” Chiron says, his tail swishing behind him. Nico stares out the open window, out at the strawberry fields. He can smell the sea air and strawberries.

 

It causes a pang deep inside him, and he can almost see the shoreline.

 

“What’s there to discuss?” Nico tersely replies. He can almost  _ hear  _ Chiron’s frown.

 

“Nico, you...we can’t leave you unsupervised,” Chiron says’s, like Nico doesn’t  _ know.  _ Like Nico thinks that things are ever going to go back to where they’re supposed to be,  _ like what Nico was trying to do.  _

 

“I’m not staying.” It's not a request.

 

“Nico, you are. I...we have protocols. You can’t leave, and I can assure you, we can make it impossible for you to. If needed, we’ll find some way to contact your  _ father— _ “

 

“He doesn’t care,” because Nico’s fairly certain of two things:

A: they won’t be able to get ahold of Hades.

B: even if they do, he won’t care. It’s not his business to.

 

“Nico, you can’t say things like—“

 

“ _ Chiron, I don’t need a therapist. _ ”

 

“Quite the contrary, Mr. di Angelo, I think that  _ is  _ something you need, and, indeed, something we will provide you with,” Mr. D’s voice startles Nico, and he looks over at the god. He looks startlingly sober, and serious. Nico’s never heard him pronounce  _ anyone’s  _ name right.

 

“Mr. D, I’m fine, number one, and, two, you all can’t keep me here,” 

 

Dionysus’s face seems to darken.

 

“You’re challenging a god?”

 

“I’m saying that, in the end, I’m fairly certain it doesn’t matter that much to you.”

 

Chiron whinnies nervously. Mr. D motions for him to leave, and, with a worried glance, he obeys. Dionysus takes the chair chair beside Nico’s bed, and stubbornly, the son of Hades looks back out the window.

 

“Mr. di Angelo, I’m the patron god of quite a few things. However, two of them, directly, impact you. I’d like you to guess what those two things are,”

 

Nico shoots a questioning glance over at the god, before shrugging. 

 

“Well, you’re the patron god of...transgender people,” Nico shot a glance down at his own chest, “and...um…?”

 

Mr. D nodded. “Indeed, I am the patron god of anyone struggling with their gender. In fact, if memory serves,  _ I  _ was the one who provided you with  _ your  _ binder.” A Diet Coke is suddenly in the god’s hand, and Nico doesn’t comment on it. “However, I’m also the patron god of mental health.”

 

Nico looks at Dionysus, shocked. Mr. D simply nods, taking a sip of his drink.

 

“And, Mr. di Angelo, I might as well to  _ something  _ while I’m stuck at this gods forsaken camp, so, I’m here to help you. Now, it’s up to  _ you  _ rather or not this is easy,”

 

-

(A piece of paper, found in Nico di Angelo’s pocket)

 

_ To anyone who has the unfortunate luck of finding this (if it’s ever even found), _

 

_ Sorry you had to see that. I tried to make it as...non–scarring as possible. I’m sorry that it couldn’t be done better.  _

 

_ To anyone curious as to the ‘why’ of the situation: _

_ It’s been a long time coming. According to my father, many a child of his have done the same thing I’m doing. Not that I blame them; life for the offspring of Hades was destined to be cruel. Not many of us can handle it. _

 

_ I just can’t handle it anymore. The anxiety, anger, emptiness, it gets to a person. I’m not strong enough to keep going. And besides, I won’t be missed. Well, besides Hazel. I feel awful doing this to her, but she’ll be fine. She has people to support her, and for that, I’m thankful. _

 

_ I hope Jason is okay. The poor man seems to have a big heart, and for that, I hope he doesn’t find me. _

 

_ - _


	2. Physical Manifestations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy makes a few mistakes.

~~~~

“Hey, Nico.”

Jason sits down in the chair besides Nico’s bed, and Nico nods in acknowledgement. His shoulders are hitched to his ears, his hands clasped firmly in his lap. Nico doesn’t meet his eyes, looking out at the shore. Eventually, Jason sighs, breaking the silence.

“I...I wanted to apologize. For, um, for snapping at you. You know, a few days ago?”

Nico doesn’t look over at him, but turns his gaze up to the sky. The big house has a wonderful view of the camp.

“I forgive you,”

The silence stretches on, until Jason sneezes.

“Bless you,”

“Why won’t you look at me?”

Jason’s voice cracks, and Nico, startled, looks over at him. Much to the Italian’s horror, Jason is crying.

Gods dammit.

“You act like nobody cares enough to be worth your time! You act like nobody–like nobody’s hurt! You refuse to even offer any kind of explanation, or–or excuse. You refusing to acknowledge the situation doesn’t make it go away, Nico!” Jason’s fists are clenched beside him, his knuckles paling. The tears are running quickly and silently down his face, and Nico doesn’t know how to react.

“You can’t keep doing this to us. To yourself! Pushing people away isn’t helping you. You’re hurting yourself because you refuse to trust anybody, to even try to open up. This isn’t fair to anyone!”

Nico sputters, and Jason narrows his eyes.

“I–I don’t–Jason, that’s not what...I’m not…” And this is the first time Nico’s ever seen Jason cry, and suddenly, tears are welling up in his eyes, too.

Jason seems to notice, and his expression softens.

“Oh, Nico—“

“You think I don’t want to open up? You think I haven’t tried? You–you think that I–that I don’t care?! Because if–if you think that I haven’t–that I didn’t try, then you’re stupid! Because I—“

The hug catches Nico off guard, his face pressed into Jason’s shoulder, and honestly, Nico doesn’t care anymore that he’s going to get Jason’s shirt wet. This week has been exhausting, emotionally, and if Jason’s offering any semblance of comfort, Nico’s going to take it. So, he sits there, in that immaculate big house room, sobbing into Jason’s shirt.

The colors seem to get a bit brighter.

-

The drawing is kinda confusing.

It’s of him. It’s good–amazing, in fact, and he didn’t even know that the boy harbored such talent. But why him? There’s only three only drawings in it (one of Bob, Jason, and him), the other two of equal quality. But why? And why the hell did the Italian make him look so cold? Is that what Nico saw Percy as? Is that what everyone else saw Percy as?

And why did Nico try to hide it?

-

It’s the first time Nico’s been outside in a week, and the sun’s hurting his eyes.

Jason had persuaded (read: forced) Nico to go, and in a way, it was kind of endearing. Except seeing other people; that was horrifying. But, luckily, Jason’s glare sent them away, and the porch of the big–house was decently uneventful. It was nice out, and Nico could smell the sea and strawberries.

It made his heart ache for the unattainable.

Hazel and Jason had been his only visitors since the initial one, and, in some small way, it stung. Not that he expected anything else from the others (from him), but still.

Nico is sharply reminded, constantly, why he had picked up the knife in the first place.

-

“Hey, Annabeth?”

“What?”

“Uhm, his handwriting is really hard to read. Can you...help?”

“Percy! You shouldn't have this, this is...oh my gods. And no, I can’t read this either. Give it back to–oh.”

“What?”

“Percy, that says...that says love,”

“But why next to my–oh! Oh. Wait, what does...does that mean that he’s—“

“Percy, give that back to him. Don’t mention it. At all.”

“But why—“

“Really, seaweed brain? Gee, I wonder why you shouldn’t tell him that you went through his journal, found out he was gay, for you, mind you, and—“

“But what about the other stuff? Chiron should probably—“

“Give me that, seaweed brain,”

“Why?”

“Shh.”

-

(A crumpled paper found on the floor of Cabin Thirteen)

_Hazel,_

_Haven’t been feeling the best lately. ~~It’s getting bad again~~ how are you? ~~I cut again~~ I hope you and Frank are doing well. ~~I wish that people actually cared~~ how’s Carmel? I heard that rabbits are hard to take care of ~~I wish that I could get better~~ to answer your question, I did find out that ~~dad doesn’t care~~ Reyna’s still in new Rome. ~~Help me, please, I can’t stand this anymore. Please, someone help~~_

 

(The rest is scribbled out)

-

(A paper from a black, mole skin book)

_I’m so tired of the heartbreak. Loving Percy hurts so badly. Why can’t I get over him?_

_Jason said that I’ll get over him, eventually. I hope he’s right._

_Getting out of bed was almost impossible today. The only reason I did was because...well, the razor was in the bathroom. It’s not helping much, anymore. Honestly, I think it’s just a habit. Hazel’s starting to notice. The other day, she got suspicious when I wouldn’t take off my jacket. Soon, though, soon._

_Dysphoria is kicking my ass._

_I keep losing weight. I won’t be able to hide it for much longer._

-

Nico di Angelo is tired.

And it’s not just the normal type of tired, the type that you can sleep off, no. It’s the tired type of tired, where he wanted the world to go dark, completely silent for a few minutes. He supposes that’s what drove him to the edge, initially; the want for silence, peace. His thoughts had always been too loud for him, after all.

 

-

“Nico, you need to eat that,” Will says it like it’s more of a suggestion, in hopes of getting the younger to eat the food in front of him. Nico is seeing right through it, and he looks down at the plate with distaste. Will sighs.

“Nico—“

“It’s not like I don’t not want to eat it. It’s more that I can’t. See, if I do, it’s not gonna end up—“

“—and if I do eat it, it’s going to bother me. I just can’t handle the idea of—“

“Nico!”

It finally grabs the Italian’s attention, and he looks at Will.

“Yeah?”

“You have to eat it. Listen, I know it’s kind of difficult, but if you have a consistent diet, your body will get used to it. You just need to try for me, okay?” Will adds his usual, bright smile to the end, in hopes of convincing Nico. Nico just looks at him, face blank.

Nico’s taken a few more bites of it when there’s a knock at the rooms door, and Percy promptly comes in. Nico doesn’t bother to hide his shocked face, and Will, upon seeing Percy, quickly leaves.

_  
Nico realizes he’s absolutely fucked when Percy sets his Little Black Book on his bedside table_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A n g s t.
> 
> Kudos, comments, etc are always highly appreciated!


	3. Grey Tinted Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico remembers.

_  
_

“Hi, Nico.”

Nico’s looking at Percy like he’s a ghost, and he’s clasping the bedsheets for dear life.

“Where–where did you–why do you have…?” Nico stutters, a confused, fearful, _choked_ noise at the end punctuating it, and it shocks Percy. He hasn’t seen Nico like that in a _long_ time.

“It...it was in your pocket, and... _Chiron let us see it,”_

“ _Us?”_

Percy looks out the window. It’s locked shut, no way to open it without a key.

“Those are old. It’s old. Really, anything in there is nothing but nonsense, just something–you know, it’s old. Just–just a few thoughts, from a _long_ time ago, nothing to worry about, it’s just _something,_ and really—“ Nico’s voice is cracking.

“Nico.”

Nico looks at Percy helplessly. Percy sighs, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Dude, it’s not...it’s not a bad thing that you’re... _gay,_ or whatever, and that you had a crush on—“

“ _I’m not gay!”_

It’s Percy’s turn to look shocked, because of how _quickly_ Nico denied it, and how his eyes are shining from unshed tears.

“Dude, it’s seriously—“

“ _No!_ I’m not–I’m not _gay!_ I was just _young,_ and _stupid,_ and I _don’t love you!_ I’m not gay, I’m not. Boys have to–boy have to like girls, and I’m a boy. I can’t like other boys!” Tears are freely flowing from Nico’s eyes now, and he squeezes his eyes shut, cupping his hands over his ears. He looks so _overwhelmed,_ so vulnerable, it hurts to _look_ at him.

He’s curls further into himself as he sobs, and it does weird things to Percy’s heart.

The last time he’d heard Nico cry like this was when Bianca died.

“Hey, _Nico,_ it’s okay—“ Percy sets a hand on Nico’s shoulder, and the other boy instantly recoils.

“Don’t _touch_ me!” He screams, and it’s _Percy’s_ turn to recoil. Somewhere in the distance, he hears cracks that sound like gunshots.

“ _Nico,_ it’s not a—“

“ _Stop!”_ Darkness seems to be curling around Nico, casting a shell around him. Percy feels cold, _freezing,_ and he’s terrified. He’s about to shout for help when the door bursts open.

“Nico!”

It’s Will.

Nico slowly raises his eyes, and if Percy wasn’t scared before, he is _now._ The tears that are streaming down his face are pitch–black, and his eyes are glassy.

Will pushes Percy out of the way, crouching down beside the bed. Percy steps closer to the door, as Chiron trots in.

“Hey, hey, Nico, look at me. _Look at me,_ ” Will cups Nico’s face, guiding his gaze away from Percy. The Italian is still crying, _shaking,_ and it’s clear that he’s having trouble focusing.

Will starts to sing softly in Greek, not breaking eye contact with Nico. After a minute or two, Nico seems to calm, and he stops shaking as much. Will takes this opportunity to pause:

“Percy, get out. _Now.”_

Percy looks at Chiron helplessly, but Chiron’s focused on Nico. Still rattled, he stands up, walking out.

He’s halfway to his cabin when he hears Will yelling at him.

“Percy Jackson, get your _fishy_ motherfucking _ass back here!”_

-

Nico doesn’t remember much about Tartarus.

However, his time spent with his kidnappers? Unfortunately, he remembered much more of that.

_“Got it!” One of the monsters whooped. Nico had cursed himself; had he been more careful, he wouldn’t have lost his sword, and he wouldn’t be defenseless right now._

_The giant had Nico pressed close to his chest, almost like a hug. However, due to the menacing creatures surrounding him, it was a bit difficult to feel warm and fuzzy._

_Nico had always hated hugs, anyway._

_One of the twins (Nico had given up on trying to different them. He was too tired to care, anyway) walked towards him, grinning with big, yellow teeth._

_Oh, if Nico had known what he was in for._

_A few hours later, he offered no resistance when they shoved him in the jar. He had barely had the energy to even hastily redress himself, and fighting at this point was impossible. His entire body ached, his voice hoarse from screaming and his eyes irritated from crying. Nico had felt raw, torn open (physically and mentally. He was positive he was going to be walking with a limp for the next week, at least, if he ever got out of that jar.)_

_-_

(A paper, found in Nico di Angelo’s drawer)

_Dear_ (scribbled out),

_I think that I might_ (scribbled out). _I know that you probably don’t feel_ (scribbled out) _but I can’t keep doing this to_ (scribbled out). _I know that it’s_ (scribbled out) _but I can’t_ (scribbled out) _anymore. Please, just_ (scribbled out).

(scribbled out),

_Nico di Angelo_

_-_

_Will had forgotten to lock the window._

Nico wasn’t even out there for any real _reason._ He just wanted to look at the stars, _the sea,_ and think.

He was sitting out on the roof outside of the window, looking out at the shore.

The moonlight reflected wonderfully off of its surface.

_It’s a weird thing to lament things you’ve never had,_ Nico thinks. _A home, a proper family, a peaceful life._ Nico had never had _any_ of those things, and here he was, grieving for it. If Nico’s being honest, he would give up his very _soul_ if it meant he wasn’t a _damn_ demigod. If it meant he wasn’t perpetually in a state of hating the universe, _himself._

If he wasn’t always so _trapped._

-

Nico remembers the first time he told Bianca.

_“Bianca?”_

_“Yes, Bella?”_

_“I don’t think I’m a girl,”_

_Bianca had looked at him, shocked. He had looked away from her, shame burning in the pit of his stomach. He knew that he didn’t exactly_ **_look_ ** _the part, with his long hair and skirt, but he knew that it was_ **_wrong_ ** _._

_“Why on_ **_earth_ ** _would you say such a thing?!”_

-

(A paper found in Percy Jackson’s pocket)

_I wish that things made sense. When I was a kid, Bianca would always tell me, “one day, you’ll understand everything, dolce.” I think she heard it from our mother._

_I believed her. After all, that was before I learned that I was the child of death, and I had been practically transported to seventy years in the future, saved by the one and only Percy Jackson._

_I hate all of this._

_Being bitter is something, I find, I’m exceptionally good at. My father once warned me about that, saying it would end up hurting me._

_I think it’s from experience._

_-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I house no regrets.
> 
> Kudos, comments, and the like are eternally appreciated! 
> 
> My tumblr is @ruffledcrow

**Author's Note:**

> Nico is FTM Transgender in this fic.  
> Binder: used to compress someone’s chest  
> Testosterone: Male hormone trans masculine people take to have male secondary sex characteristics.


End file.
